Bleak day. Dead trees. Brown grass. Tattered flyers. Students mingle and moan, cradling cups of abominable coffee, slouching through endless, ugly foul smelling corridors full of bitter professors who loathe what their lives have become.
This is what college holds in store for you, brave student!
Meaningless work. Cliques worse than junior high. Aching loneliness. Subhuman living conditions. Needless expenses beyond your wildest dreams. You can expect a complete loss of motivation, sleep, ambition, self-confidence, will, social life, talent, conception of “reality,” respect for your fellow man, sense of purpose, hope. Watch yourself kiss the collective asses of barely literate bureaucrats and mutate into a sniveling pathetic asshole shell of yourself fixated on social climbing and something like a “career.” Vomit gallons of the same beers and wines favored by local hobos into mildewed communal shower stalls! Watch young men get brain damaged running into each other on a stripe-y lawn and your favorite classes get canceled in order to make space for more parking for said brain damage. You will learn very, very little. You will waste at least four years and god knows how much money on an education that neither sates your intellectual curiosity nor earns you success. And then you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling mildly nostalgic for the worst parts as your imprisoned by loans and trying to fight a drinking problem.
SOUNDS FAB. WHERE DO I SIGN UP?
 This entry ends suddenly and perplexingly with TOP TEN BEST RECORDS OF 1996 written very grandly across the center of the page. I only listed three.
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